you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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