Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
