he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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