the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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