That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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