Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
