He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
