please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
