I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
