So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
