this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Still dying that you shit outside
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
