Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
