I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Green mimosas i think yes
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
