I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
