Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
the liver wants what the liver wants
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Floor bacon is actually really good
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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