Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
