While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Randomize
