My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
