Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
