plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize