Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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