She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
