i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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