Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
