My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize