just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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