I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
