She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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