The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
