News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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