Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
