he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
