I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
