he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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