I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize