I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I AM VODKA MAN
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
