Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
