my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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