god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
