The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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