Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
