I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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