im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
