I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
