Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i will never coherently bang her
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
