I just saw a hot homeless man
Me. At least after what I've been through.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
