Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
