In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
