Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
