i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
