He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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