Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
