I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
