Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
