People in love make me want to vomit
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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