When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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