Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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