was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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