was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
