the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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